the worst two weeks.

Nurse: "Okay, all done! Now, just take a home pregnancy test in two weeks and call us if it worked! Good luck!"

The door to that tiny room in the University of Utah Infertility Clinic closed with more force than I think she was expecting.

Good luck? Thanks. Wait two weeks?? No thanks.

The rational part of my mind is thinking, "Calm down. You have been waiting for a lot longer than two weeks...it's not going to kill you."

But the other part of my mind is going crazy. "Are you serious? Two weeks! To see if it might have worked? And I have to do it at home? With a home pregnancy test? Is that even the same technology?"

My mind is also going a million miles a second calculating EXACTLY when two weeks will be. And just my "luck," a Sunday. Which does give me a day to cope with results before starting work again...so win there. 

So, after 10 minutes of laying in an EXTREMELY cold room, we left the clinic.

Let me share what the worst two weeks of my life feels like (and then remember that every time we do this particular procedure...this is what it feels like)

Day 1:
Morning: 
I woke up feeling a little sick..OH MY GOSH! It worked! I have morning sickness! Surely it has nothing to do with the Mexican food I had last night.  Then, a couple minutes later, Scott rolls over and says his stomach hurts. Dang it.
Later morning: 
I get to work {late} and have students waiting for me. Which is fine, except its morning...and I hate morning. OH MY GOSH! I hate morning! It worked! Except I always hate morning. Dang it.
Lunch:
I already have to pee! {researches pregnancy symptoms for the 1983479387295th time}. Yup, its on there. Having to pee a lot. {ignores 64 oz bottle that I have already drained 75% of}
Afternoon:
Is it hot in here? OH MY GOSH! It worked! Surely it has nothing to do with the fact that I am wearing a long sleeve shirt with a sweater and its 70 outside and there are a ton of kids in here and its afternoon with the sun shinning through my windows...
Evening: 
I don't feel like eating something with cheese. OH MY GOSH! It worked! Cheese is my favorite food, and I don't feel like eating it?

This goes on for Days 2-13...except that I am strangely getting more and more angry with the little things, hot and cold flashes, and overall stressed.

Day 14.
It came.
The day finally came.
Test taken.

Longest.
Three.
Minutes.
Ever.



Negative.

{throws pregnancy test} Well, it had to of worked, right??? Maybe I just don't produce enough HCG for it to be read on one of those dumb tests anyway. Maybe I have to go get a blood test. I'll wait until tomorrow to go in and see. Yea, I'll do that. {twenty minutes later...Aunt Flo shows up...with a vengeance.}

I think back to the most common of my "symptoms."
Anger. I was getting more and more mad at students...oh, it was close to a test and they were stressed out too.
Hot and cold flashes. UTAH won't make up its stupid weather mind.
Overall more stressed. Yea..that can happen when you are teaching 3 different classes and coaching 3 different soccer teams.

And thus we see the cycle continues.

This is just a brief glimpse into what those two weeks can be like. I do consider myself lucky that I have work to distract me. But every second I am not talking or with a student, I am thinking, "could that be a sign?" Every time I am sitting at my computer, I am looking up pregnancy symptoms.


The two weeks weren't all bad though. It was during those weeks that Scott and I were nicer to each other and were focusing on making quality time for each other {dinner at the table, not the couch}. My relationship with him grew. My relationship with my close friends and family grew as I let them in on what we were doing and they promised to pray and help in anyway they can. My relationship with my Heavenly Father grew as I always had a prayer in my heart and the scripture Luke 1:37 running through my head the whole time.

It was a long two weeks. It was a hard two weeks. But I would go through it 100 times and more if it meant that I had the slightest possibility of becoming a mom.

{Luke 1:37 For with God nothing shall be impossible.}

Okay, I'll say it.

Infertility sucks.

It's a special brand of trial. You have good days and you have bad days...

Example of a good day: When you are out grocery shopping and that screaming child in the isle over is giving her mother what for, reminding you that you get to grocery shop alone.

Example of a bad day: When you are out grocery shopping and that screaming child in the isle over is giving her mother what for, reminding you that get to grocery shop alone.

Every experience has two sides when you are dealing with infertility. You can be excited that you can go camping 20 minutes after you decided to actually go camping, or you can be sad by the fact that you don't get to share making s'mores with tiny hands and talking about the leaves on the ground and every wildflower {weed} they bring you.

Don't get me wrong---I am grateful for the experiences that Scott and I have had to ourselves. I finished a master's degree in mathematics and am successful at my job. Scott has {thus far} secured a position in a mechanical engineering firm. We have been to the Philippines, Mexico, Grand Cayman Island, and all over the US including Hawaii. I am even planning our spring break trip to Europe. I am a successful soccer coach who is moving up the licensure ladder. We have been working on updating our house that I always get to keep clean because there are no tiny hand prints on anything...

But then again...there are no tiny hand prints on anything. The only child-friendly things I have in my house include a small collection of plates, cups, bowls, and silverware from Ikea, some Dora the Explorer coloring books, a giant container of bubbles, and all the Tinkerbell movies saved on my DVR {those aren't necessarily for children...I in fact love them}.

Now, before you say any of the following:
1. You're so lucky! I bet your house stays so clean,.

2. But look at all the things you can do!

3. You're still young. You have time!

4.  Well, good thing you fill your time with things.


All of these are a VERY poor choice of words.  Here is why:

1. Never say "You're so lucky!" to a person who does not have children. ESPECIALLY while you hold your squirming child outside sacrament meeting. What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes. Lucky? All I feel is that "luck" has not come my way...but has in fact been poured on the sister a couple of rows in front of me as she hands out goldfish to her 5 kids.

2. Yeah...I did a lot of stuff...but ask my mom. Ever since I was a kid...all I played was house. I played kitchen. I set the table. I made food. All I every wanted to do...is be a mom. And it is the one thing I can't do.

3. Don't tell me I'm still young. I want to be an active parent in my kids lives. If I don't have them until I am 30...I will be almost 50 before the first one is out of high school. Not cool. Also, since when has that 35 year old said, Hey! That pregnancy was great! I think I will have 4 more. There are many health complications that can accompany mature pregnancy. And it doesn't matter how much time I have...I will always think about the time I have lost.

4. I fill my time? I do not choose activities to "fill my time." I choose things to do because I like them. Because I am learning who I am and what I like to do. I am trying new things and pushing myself because when those kids finally do come, I don't want to be that mother in the middle of post partum feeling like I have lost myself. I know too many women who have struggled after they have kids doing things they enjoy because they did not take the time to really get to know themselves. Besides, if I was doing things to fill my time, I would be in a comfy chair eating all day and reading Harry Potter.

Whew. That got a little ranty...sorry about that. The reason I bring this up is because Scott and I have started a medical journey to have children.

I would like to document my thoughts and feelings throughout the process...maybe it will help me cope with results and help you learn about the roller coaster of infertility.

Stay tuned...next time I will share about the worst two weeks of my life.

Well, it has been a while.

2014 flew by for Scott and I.

We traveled! We went to the Philippines, Fontana, Disneyland, Moab, and Mexico to name a few places.

2015 holds some interesting promises for us! We are going to be traveling again, I will finish my masters degree in mathematics from Utah State University, and hopefully some kids! We will see!

We wish everyone a Happy New Year!

SO IF YOU BELIEVE THEN JUST STAND UP ON YOUR FEET

If you had to finish singing the song...you are a member of the PRIDE! Last year Scott and I went to every single game--the hard way! We bought vouchers for every single game, drove up to the stadium before game day, got our seats and then went to the game. SUCH A HASSLE. We were easily convinced to get season tickets this year.

So, needless to say, we went to a lot of games last year. I decided that since I don't remember what game was what, or who we played in all these pictures, that I would just post them and let you guess what game was when! I only put the good ones, but there were definitely a lot of others!

Pretty sure this is at an Open Cup game..

Oh, look, Ethan. Cool.

This is going to be a play off game.

So is this one.

I think I wanted to show the score board...we must have beat someone important...

This is Marianne and I agreeing to get photobombed by the people behind us. We did have a good one, but I already put that up on facebook. This one is funnier.

YAY! MLS final! I don't have alot of pictures of this. It was too dang cold! If you want to see more about it you should go check out my sister-in-law Emily's blog.

Hey look! Landon Donovan. Super close to me. Stretching.

 The next sequence is the many faces of us at soccer games...

I love this picture of us! And I love that hair...

Freezing cold game! We were sitting in the upper bowl and the wind was whipping! The hat I am wearing is Scott's, I forgot mine and just kinda took his. He had a hood!

This is after an almost loss! We ended up tying. I remember because I told Scott to make a stressful face...if that is his stressful face, then why does he make that same face every time I tell a joke?

I know that this is the same game as before, but I like this one too.

Hey, Nat Borchers. And oh yea, Ethan!

Hey..."set-apart" Ethan.

Obviously you can tell that my brother Ethan came this past summer. I will post on his trip right after this...because I realized I have a lot of pictures from when he was here..

Butch Cassidy

I know what you are thinking...2 posts in 2 days? What is going on? But I decided while I was on a roll, might as well keep it up.

This is from the Butch Cassidy 10k on Novemer 2, 2013. We made the trek down to St George and met up with Scott's sister Angela and her family!

I LOVE this race! I have done it twice now, and this time I cut my time by about 15 minutes!

His mohawk was a mess. I had to fix it.

There, that's better.

This is to copy the picture from a few years ago.  If you search my facebook you can find it...but I don't want you to. There is a reason I was able to cut 15 minutes!

Here are her super cute girls! Eliza is in the chicken costume...she was EGG-cited. And of course, Nora has to do everything Eliza does, so there she is, up on top of the fence too!

 The Butch Cassidy 10K is a race that you can find information on here. 
If anyone wants to do it with Scott and I this year, let me know!

In tradition with traveling with Aaron and Angela...and especially because we were AT Zion's, we couldn't pass up an opportunity to go on a hike! The rest of the pictures are from the rest of the day when we hiked a secret trail through the park. In super-sore fashion mind you.

This has to be one of my favorite pictures of all time of us! We are obviously very tired and worn out! But still smiling!

Isn't Zion's beautiful?

Scott was testing out some things his phone camera could do. We were stopped for a while because Eliza fell in the little creek and I think Gage needed a diaper change.

So pretty! I love the black and white. I might frame this! Except that if I blew it up the pixels would be terrible...I guess I have to travel back down to take some awesome pictures!

ALOHA!

Well, since most of you know, we went to Hawaii last year! We ran a half marathon, ate at some cool places, went snorkeling (like everyday!), lazed about the beach, ran on the beach, went kayaking, visited the temple and a ward, and looked around Pearl Harbor. Here is our trip in pictures! These will probably not be in order...

This is us on the plane! I posted this picture along with saying we were on our way to Hawaii. Scott was not to thrilled about that. I mean its not like our house has been broken into...oh wait....

My first half marathon! It was so hard! We did this on our first day there. We didn't even get to start on time because it took forever to find a place to park and then we had to walk to the starting line, and then we had to go to the bathroom. All of these things would not have been a big deal except that parking in Waikiki is crazy! Also, EVERY SINGLE WOMAN at that starting line had to pee. So that took forever.

This is us! Finally both done with the stupid race. I felt like I could race again on account of the energy drink that was handed to me as I crossed the finish line and Scott was about to throw up. This is totally a roll reversal from normal! 

This is our hotel! That is Scott that you can see in the bay. As soon as we were done with the half we came back to the hotel and got right in the water! 

This is our room. It is perfect for us!

This is the view from our hotel room. There is a blow hole really close to our window. Every single time a wave came in the blow hole would push the water straight up, and loudly. ALL NIGHT. I mean, it was great! (sarcastic smile and thumbs up)

This is us on our balcony taking a cute picture right before we go to a the Laie (LA-ee-a) 4th Ward. The ward was basically on temple grounds. We took a lot of pictures at the Laie Temple later.

This is Hanama Bay! It was super HOT. You have to go through a little training before you are allowed to go snorkeling here. This bay is on the other side of Oahu from where we were.

Yay Scott! Thanks for posing!

This place is significant, but I can't remember why. It seemed to be a tunnel mountain road...like it used to be the only way from one side of the island to the other.

Here is another view from that view point.

And since I made Scott pose...now I have to pose.

This is at Dole Pineapple Plantation. And yes. It is a bajillion degrees outside. That giant pineapple with ice cream on it is where I am headed. 

This is a super cheesy closeup, but I wanted to take a picture of the guy's shirt behind us without it being weird. He is totally wearing palm trees on his shirt to one of the gardens (located on the grounds in the Dole Pineapple Plantation) in Hawaii!

After waiting about 45 minutes we are finally on the Pineapple Express. This cute little train took us around the plantation. We saw some of the pineapple fields!

And there they are! Look at that red soil! Those bushes in the background is how pineapples are grown. I learned that contrary to popular belief, pineapples grow on bushes! They are super cute when they start to grow. They look like miniature pineapples. They have the stems and everything when they start, then they just get bigger. I learned that the pineapples in the store are actually ripe. They don't continue to ripen like other fruit after they are picked.

This is later when we were touring the gardens. They were so pretty!

One of the mornings before we went out snorkeling, we decided that we would make some breakfast. We found some tarro rolls and some rambutan (sp?). It was spiky on the outside and then it was slimy on the inside. You suck the slimy stuff off of the big pit seed in the middle. Appetizing.  Oh, you want to know about the iron...well that is what we used to heat up the rolls. I am pretty resourceful. 

That was the look on my face the entire time, until...

It is surprisingly good!

Behind us the beautiful Laie Temple. We came on a great day. There were about 10 people in our session. We did an endowment session and then did some sealings. The officiator in the endowment session had a bad case of the old person farts. Every time he stood up, and remember there were only 10 people, he would let one rip so loud that I tried not to look at Scott for fear of an outburst of laughter. And to make matters worse, we were the witness couple. So we had to look at each other once and while.

It was way fun to do sealings here! Some of the names that we did have 4 different temples on them! Washington DC, Columbia, SC, Mt Timpanogos, UT and now Laie, HI. Super cool. A couple stayed after the endowment session to do the sealings with us. They were the Kinni-kinni's. I am not sure if that is how you spell it, but they were great! Really nice, really large, really dark Polynesians. They thanked us for letting them participate with my family's work!
Speaking of Polynesians...

Our trip to the Polynesian Cultural Center was amazing! We walked around to the countries that are represented there, catching all of the shows and participating in some of the crafts. Our favorite show was Samoa. The guy was hilarious! Our camera died halfway through the day, so here is what we could get. The following pictures is the Parade of Floats. Each country represented has a float where a live band perched on a bridge played music from the country and the people on the float did a native dance. They are dressed in native outfits.

Hawaii. The dancers on the float are doing a Hula dance. Hula is a form of dance that tells a story. Each move corresponds to a word or phrase. This is how stories get handed down from person to person. They learn the story from the moves of the dance. It is actually quite slow and rhythmic. 

Tonga is doing a Welcome dance. 

They are the ones with the what American's think is Hula. It is very fast hip movements. That is why their grass skirts have the shelf on them. It makes the movement more visable. 

This is Tahiti. They are doing a wedding dance. It was so long! We went to the Tahiti area and watched the entire wedding day. It is really quite interesting. On the morning of the wedding, a Tahitian male dives to find a black pearl for his bride that he presents to her when they get married later that day. The wedding party consists of the parents and grandparents of each side. They all walk through the town and then follow the couple to their new house. 

Samoa was hilarious! They are actually rocking the float so much that a guy in the back falls off. (On purpose of course)

This is Fiji. They are doing a battle dance, I think. Those guys are huge! Like almost 7 feet tall. 

We did a full day at the Polynesian Cultural Center. After we visited each country, we went to a luau! It was a lot of fun. Though, next time we will pay a little more money so that we are not in the cafeteria style luau. Still delicious food. I loved whatever the fish was that they had. And the papaya seed dressing! Omg. I bough some at the airport to bring home. Then proceeded to finish it in less than a week after being home. :-(
We saw the show at the end of the night. It was fantastic. Each of the countries participate as it is the story of a boy that travels through all the countries and learns and lives among the people.

This is us hang out in a WWII bunker by our hotel! We ran that morning along the beach and found this pretty close to our hotel. We decided to take some weird pictures.

I was trying to imagine what it would be like to see ships coming in from the bunker.

You honestly can't see very much. I never did learn about what the bunker was for.

We went kayaking through our hotel one morning. It was so much fun! We were able to see some really neat coral and we practiced surfing in our kayaks. I am actually pretty good at it...except when I biffed it. This is our action shot!

This is our relaxed shot.

I got the guts to stand up...and then immediately sat down. It was scarier than it looks. One of the instructors stood the entire time! Of course I am super competitive and thought to myself, "I can do that." Well, turns out, I can't. I can stand, I can't row while standing.

This is a turtle in the bay where we were kayaking! 

We hope you enjoyed reading about our trip! We loved it so much and are hoping to go back soon! If you go before us--let us know if you don't mind having 2 people tag along....