Thursday, October 22, 2015

the worst two weeks.

Nurse: "Okay, all done! Now, just take a home pregnancy test in two weeks and call us if it worked! Good luck!"

The door to that tiny room in the University of Utah Infertility Clinic closed with more force than I think she was expecting.

Good luck? Thanks. Wait two weeks?? No thanks.

The rational part of my mind is thinking, "Calm down. You have been waiting for a lot longer than two's not going to kill you."

But the other part of my mind is going crazy. "Are you serious? Two weeks! To see if it might have worked? And I have to do it at home? With a home pregnancy test? Is that even the same technology?"

My mind is also going a million miles a second calculating EXACTLY when two weeks will be. And just my "luck," a Sunday. Which does give me a day to cope with results before starting work win there. 

So, after 10 minutes of laying in an EXTREMELY cold room, we left the clinic.

Let me share what the worst two weeks of my life feels like (and then remember that every time we do this particular procedure...this is what it feels like)

Day 1:
I woke up feeling a little sick..OH MY GOSH! It worked! I have morning sickness! Surely it has nothing to do with the Mexican food I had last night.  Then, a couple minutes later, Scott rolls over and says his stomach hurts. Dang it.
Later morning: 
I get to work {late} and have students waiting for me. Which is fine, except its morning...and I hate morning. OH MY GOSH! I hate morning! It worked! Except I always hate morning. Dang it.
I already have to pee! {researches pregnancy symptoms for the 1983479387295th time}. Yup, its on there. Having to pee a lot. {ignores 64 oz bottle that I have already drained 75% of}
Is it hot in here? OH MY GOSH! It worked! Surely it has nothing to do with the fact that I am wearing a long sleeve shirt with a sweater and its 70 outside and there are a ton of kids in here and its afternoon with the sun shinning through my windows...
I don't feel like eating something with cheese. OH MY GOSH! It worked! Cheese is my favorite food, and I don't feel like eating it?

This goes on for Days 2-13...except that I am strangely getting more and more angry with the little things, hot and cold flashes, and overall stressed.

Day 14.
It came.
The day finally came.
Test taken.



{throws pregnancy test} Well, it had to of worked, right??? Maybe I just don't produce enough HCG for it to be read on one of those dumb tests anyway. Maybe I have to go get a blood test. I'll wait until tomorrow to go in and see. Yea, I'll do that. {twenty minutes later...Aunt Flo shows up...with a vengeance.}

I think back to the most common of my "symptoms."
Anger. I was getting more and more mad at students...oh, it was close to a test and they were stressed out too.
Hot and cold flashes. UTAH won't make up its stupid weather mind.
Overall more stressed. Yea..that can happen when you are teaching 3 different classes and coaching 3 different soccer teams.

And thus we see the cycle continues.

This is just a brief glimpse into what those two weeks can be like. I do consider myself lucky that I have work to distract me. But every second I am not talking or with a student, I am thinking, "could that be a sign?" Every time I am sitting at my computer, I am looking up pregnancy symptoms.

The two weeks weren't all bad though. It was during those weeks that Scott and I were nicer to each other and were focusing on making quality time for each other {dinner at the table, not the couch}. My relationship with him grew. My relationship with my close friends and family grew as I let them in on what we were doing and they promised to pray and help in anyway they can. My relationship with my Heavenly Father grew as I always had a prayer in my heart and the scripture Luke 1:37 running through my head the whole time.

It was a long two weeks. It was a hard two weeks. But I would go through it 100 times and more if it meant that I had the slightest possibility of becoming a mom.

{Luke 1:37 For with God nothing shall be impossible.}

Monday, October 19, 2015

Okay, I'll say it.

Infertility sucks.

It's a special brand of trial. You have good days and you have bad days...

Example of a good day: When you are out grocery shopping and that screaming child in the isle over is giving her mother what for, reminding you that you get to grocery shop alone.

Example of a bad day: When you are out grocery shopping and that screaming child in the isle over is giving her mother what for, reminding you that get to grocery shop alone.

Every experience has two sides when you are dealing with infertility. You can be excited that you can go camping 20 minutes after you decided to actually go camping, or you can be sad by the fact that you don't get to share making s'mores with tiny hands and talking about the leaves on the ground and every wildflower {weed} they bring you.

Don't get me wrong---I am grateful for the experiences that Scott and I have had to ourselves. I finished a master's degree in mathematics and am successful at my job. Scott has {thus far} secured a position in a mechanical engineering firm. We have been to the Philippines, Mexico, Grand Cayman Island, and all over the US including Hawaii. I am even planning our spring break trip to Europe. I am a successful soccer coach who is moving up the licensure ladder. We have been working on updating our house that I always get to keep clean because there are no tiny hand prints on anything...

But then again...there are no tiny hand prints on anything. The only child-friendly things I have in my house include a small collection of plates, cups, bowls, and silverware from Ikea, some Dora the Explorer coloring books, a giant container of bubbles, and all the Tinkerbell movies saved on my DVR {those aren't necessarily for children...I in fact love them}.

Now, before you say any of the following:
1. You're so lucky! I bet your house stays so clean,.

2. But look at all the things you can do!

3. You're still young. You have time!

4.  Well, good thing you fill your time with things.

All of these are a VERY poor choice of words.  Here is why:

1. Never say "You're so lucky!" to a person who does not have children. ESPECIALLY while you hold your squirming child outside sacrament meeting. What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes. Lucky? All I feel is that "luck" has not come my way...but has in fact been poured on the sister a couple of rows in front of me as she hands out goldfish to her 5 kids.

2. Yeah...I did a lot of stuff...but ask my mom. Ever since I was a kid...all I played was house. I played kitchen. I set the table. I made food. All I every wanted to be a mom. And it is the one thing I can't do.

3. Don't tell me I'm still young. I want to be an active parent in my kids lives. If I don't have them until I am 30...I will be almost 50 before the first one is out of high school. Not cool. Also, since when has that 35 year old said, Hey! That pregnancy was great! I think I will have 4 more. There are many health complications that can accompany mature pregnancy. And it doesn't matter how much time I have...I will always think about the time I have lost.

4. I fill my time? I do not choose activities to "fill my time." I choose things to do because I like them. Because I am learning who I am and what I like to do. I am trying new things and pushing myself because when those kids finally do come, I don't want to be that mother in the middle of post partum feeling like I have lost myself. I know too many women who have struggled after they have kids doing things they enjoy because they did not take the time to really get to know themselves. Besides, if I was doing things to fill my time, I would be in a comfy chair eating all day and reading Harry Potter.

Whew. That got a little ranty...sorry about that. The reason I bring this up is because Scott and I have started a medical journey to have children.

I would like to document my thoughts and feelings throughout the process...maybe it will help me cope with results and help you learn about the roller coaster of infertility.

Stay time I will share about the worst two weeks of my life.