Monday, October 19, 2015

Okay, I'll say it.

Infertility sucks.

It's a special brand of trial. You have good days and you have bad days...

Example of a good day: When you are out grocery shopping and that screaming child in the isle over is giving her mother what for, reminding you that you get to grocery shop alone.

Example of a bad day: When you are out grocery shopping and that screaming child in the isle over is giving her mother what for, reminding you that get to grocery shop alone.

Every experience has two sides when you are dealing with infertility. You can be excited that you can go camping 20 minutes after you decided to actually go camping, or you can be sad by the fact that you don't get to share making s'mores with tiny hands and talking about the leaves on the ground and every wildflower {weed} they bring you.

Don't get me wrong---I am grateful for the experiences that Scott and I have had to ourselves. I finished a master's degree in mathematics and am successful at my job. Scott has {thus far} secured a position in a mechanical engineering firm. We have been to the Philippines, Mexico, Grand Cayman Island, and all over the US including Hawaii. I am even planning our spring break trip to Europe. I am a successful soccer coach who is moving up the licensure ladder. We have been working on updating our house that I always get to keep clean because there are no tiny hand prints on anything...

But then again...there are no tiny hand prints on anything. The only child-friendly things I have in my house include a small collection of plates, cups, bowls, and silverware from Ikea, some Dora the Explorer coloring books, a giant container of bubbles, and all the Tinkerbell movies saved on my DVR {those aren't necessarily for children...I in fact love them}.

Now, before you say any of the following:
1. You're so lucky! I bet your house stays so clean,.

2. But look at all the things you can do!

3. You're still young. You have time!

4.  Well, good thing you fill your time with things.

All of these are a VERY poor choice of words.  Here is why:

1. Never say "You're so lucky!" to a person who does not have children. ESPECIALLY while you hold your squirming child outside sacrament meeting. What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes. Lucky? All I feel is that "luck" has not come my way...but has in fact been poured on the sister a couple of rows in front of me as she hands out goldfish to her 5 kids.

2. Yeah...I did a lot of stuff...but ask my mom. Ever since I was a kid...all I played was house. I played kitchen. I set the table. I made food. All I every wanted to be a mom. And it is the one thing I can't do.

3. Don't tell me I'm still young. I want to be an active parent in my kids lives. If I don't have them until I am 30...I will be almost 50 before the first one is out of high school. Not cool. Also, since when has that 35 year old said, Hey! That pregnancy was great! I think I will have 4 more. There are many health complications that can accompany mature pregnancy. And it doesn't matter how much time I have...I will always think about the time I have lost.

4. I fill my time? I do not choose activities to "fill my time." I choose things to do because I like them. Because I am learning who I am and what I like to do. I am trying new things and pushing myself because when those kids finally do come, I don't want to be that mother in the middle of post partum feeling like I have lost myself. I know too many women who have struggled after they have kids doing things they enjoy because they did not take the time to really get to know themselves. Besides, if I was doing things to fill my time, I would be in a comfy chair eating all day and reading Harry Potter.

Whew. That got a little ranty...sorry about that. The reason I bring this up is because Scott and I have started a medical journey to have children.

I would like to document my thoughts and feelings throughout the process...maybe it will help me cope with results and help you learn about the roller coaster of infertility.

Stay time I will share about the worst two weeks of my life.


Stodtmeister said...

I too had/ have infertility issues and had to seek help from a specialist and pay good money to have success. I figure it's all in the lords plan/time.. Which is what we say when we don't know how else to handle the trial we are given. Keep at it the lord is grooming you and Scott for amazing things! Thank you for sharing your candid thoughts, more people need to be open about infertility.

The Merkleys said...

Wonderful post. Well said. Thank you for sharing. That would be hard for me- the sharing. My heart aches for you. And I will never pretend to know what you're going through. I wish you and Scotty the BEST. You are both definitely in our prayers.